mimi's digital diary

was too tired to update last night, i had a long day. i embedded my personal website on one of the images on here so if you can find it yay. its 9 but i spent 5 hours sleeping when i got home because i had nothing better to do. school was awful and tiring but atleast my english finals done, and i finished rewatching a show. im so tired all the time. nithing is fulfulling anymore. my alter made 2 vlogs one i didnt know about yesterday and one today. i wanted to take them down but he said that i cant dictate his free speech and im just sick of arguing so i let it be. i dont know if people are aware to the extent how this is affecting me but its bad. it was also orange all day because of the canadian fires and it thunderstormed. everything about every day sucks. i think im depressed.

almost forgot to update this before sleeping today. im sad and i dont really know if i can even feel better. today i woke up at 12:30 or so? ordered food, took a bath, and i let my alter front for a bit today. he drank 3 bottles of faygo and i puked after he switched out and i could still taste the cotton candy all day it was awful. after that my nana finally came home, and took me home. i laid around for a bit watching tv but my alter switched in again and started smoking and posting on twitter. i switched back and deleted his tweets but i kept smoking and i dont even know why, its just kinda awful. i went back inside and just watched tv again til my mom and sister got home, but my mom forgot to get me food again which kinda sucked but i dont mind because i really havent ate more then once a day lately. everything just sorta sucks. i still miss them. my friend saw my board for the art show downtown though which is kinda cool, and it didnt look that bad. im dreading school tomorrow. its also my grandpas birthday and i really dont wanna visit him in the hospital which sounds awful but i just dont wanna do anything at all. idk. things suck. goodnight

today felt sort of meaningless and hopeless. i woke up at around 12 from a dream where i was some like vibrant animal who cut themself so horribly my entire arm was all messed up, and i went to a bar and drank myself to death or something. anyways my grandma went to the hospital before i woke up, so i was alone so i made texas toast in the toaster. i ate 3 pieces at first but ended up eating the whole package just because i felt like it i guess. i tried again to hook up my gamecube but it wouldnt work so i gave up. after that i started watching bojack horseman and took a bath while drinking a whole 24oz faygo and watching bojack. i basically just watched netflix for hours until my nana got home and she took me for a drive in the car and i thought about how fucked up everything is. im becoming more apathetic to it i guess not because i dont care but because im so tired of caring. im so tired of having to care. one of my alters who isnt allowed internet access is catching onto stuff happening i think, and its making her even worse then she was before but its sad to watch because she was doing better with her agoraphobia for a little while. i checked this website today to find out one of my closer friends had me ip blocked. well they didnt actually block my account? but it was still an ip block so despite them being subbed to me i couldnt see any of the stuff they post and it made me sort of sad realizing how bad everything is. ive had to pee for the last hour and also turn on my fan but ive just kinda laid here because everything feels like too much all the time. im thinking about killing myself alot. i talk about it but im convinced i honestly probably should, i dont have alot going for me right now and my asshole alter is just talking about revenge. but "revenge" is pointless. itd only be revenge for him. for me id just look like an ass. theyll always like her better. im gonna be forgotten and shell take my place! and thats hard to think about. especially since everyone knows who she is and what shes done yet they draw her fanart and stuff. it sucks. it all really sucks, and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont know if anyone really even sees these blogs. but shawn, if you do see this, im sorry. and tell everyone else im sorry too.

second blogpost coincidentally also being at 11pm! today was pretty uneventful but it was fun. i spent all day doing absolutely nothing in any of my classes which was sooo boring and honestly tiring. my family always asks how im tired from doing nothing but idk it just gets to you! after school my best friend came over, we watched anime and played video games and it was fun and we also went outside for a bit. also my nintendo gamecube came in the mail today! i spent an hour trying to hook it up but no tvs has the cable port i needed, so thats a job for when i can afford my own tv someday. i had to break in my grandmas house actually because the key wouldnt let me in and i had to hop the fence around back and take off my screen and jump through my window, because my grandma was at the hospital with my grandpa. he should be fine i hope, its just minor stuff im assuming and its also too publically embarassing to write here. i like this blog sort of, it helps me express my femininity. my facial hairs getting thicker so i might shave, but i dont wanna appear feminine in real life solely so i dont get bullied more then i already do LOL. i barely went on my phone today! when i did i just checked my email or ebays shipping tracker for my gamecube. i miss Them alot. i shouldve texted them back when they texted me but i didnt because well i didnt wanna be on my phone but also i regretted texting them last night to begin with. i deleted it but i forgot ios doesnt delete for both sides. its just making stuff harder haha. making money is very hard now. i cant draw for money so im gonna end up having to get an actual job, which i dont paticularly wanna do but im gonna i guess because i have to. im gonna get a job around mid july or later though because i want some time to relax and destress, but i also think working would be good for me so i have something to occupy myself, as i used to spend all day online (i know, pathetic). my "problem alter" (if you remember i have DID from my last post) fronted twice or so today, and once i didnt monitor him and he ended up buying cigarettes but atleast he didnt go online? im not letting him smoke them but im hesitant to throw them out. i dont really know why. ill probably end up smoking them, but i hope not. im hoping tomorrow will be better then today, im hoping to have my friend over again so i have someone to distract me from everyday life. i had more ideas for what to write about for today but i forgot, i might start writing them down or something. anyways, thats about it for the night. so long and goodnight!

first blogpost ever! today was rough. my entire day i spent thinking about how things could go differently with me, or how i cant stand to be alive, but i also realized i should probably just move on and forget haha. it hurts to know my friends are gone over something i didnt do who a complete weirdo said, but i cant change what has happened and it is what it is man. i feel like i type too masculinely. that sounds sort of dumb but minor details like that matter to me. it bothers me feeling manly, my voice cracked all day and its getting deeper. it kinda sucks and i dont wanna talk about it so im gonna summarize my day. i woke up at 6:30am but didnt actually leave my bed til 6:50 per usual. my shirt was bloodstained so i changed and was in sort of a rush because i didnt keep track of time and almost missed my bus. i kinda zoned out on the bus and arrived at school 40 minutes early, again, per usual. i sat down next to the person who feels like my only friend and we talked while i drew. the bell rang and we got breakfast and i was 2 minutes late to my chemistry class but it was okay because i had nothing to do since i finished my work the day prior. the bell rang for that too, so i headed to english. i wasnt exactly "there" for most of it (i supposedly have dissociative identity disorder and my alter was making a comic for the class) i just thought about lain from serial experiments lain alot. i relate to her alot i think, she sort of helps me cope with the pain of my existence (edgy! lol) in a way. after that i went to electronic music where i had to help move a drum kit. i also put down a carpet but another kid was watching me and i kept messing up the simple task of placing down a carpet which was embarassing!! the kid sort of reminds me of Them too so i got a little sad but i persevere. 4th period was geometry but i zoned out and did no work because my chest felt awful. 5th period was spanish and i had to write a 75 word note in spanish, it was very annoying and i have to do my final soon and im nervous about it because i dont even like to talk with people in english! 6th was lunch, which i just watched youtube all period. 7th was art where i was drawing this abstract piece for my friend richie as we just talked and joked around. he drew a smiley face on the side of my knee. 8th period i had resource room and i just talked with adam but my pen broke which sucked. 9th i zoned out in history and got our practice regents back which i got a 76.5% on which isnt really too bad. after the final bell rang my nana picked me up to take me to michaels to get new pens because my alter needs to finish the comic for class, or ill fail english. she got me food and dropped me off at home where i ate and laid down and zoned out for an hour or 2 before calling my aunt and uncle, who were eating dinner and we talked for a bit. it was nice and i gave my dog an ice cream (one made for dogs!). after that i started working on this website, and worked up until 9pm when my mom paid me to go to my nanas house since i dont have school tomorrow so she could hang out with her bf. i agreed because its practically free money and i like my nanas more anyways, my room just feels too weird and i wish there was natural light. since i got to my nanas ive been sitting fixing up the code, and now im writing this. for what its worth, i think today was okay. i coped well but its because i had distractions. im scared to see how tomorrow will treat me. but im going to sleep now, goodnight blog.